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The Watch: Jumbled, unoriginal star-studded mess


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Hey, everyone. I got a great drinking game to play, seriously this will be the ultimate drinking game. It’s called The Watch. Its very simple. When it comes to blu-ray. Rent it, invite a ton of friends over, get the best liquor, pop it in. Rules: everytime you hear a joke involving gentalia. You take a shot. When you hear stars Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn say “The Watch” you take two shots. Caution: you will be in danger of a week-long hangover.  Why?

Because the Watch is one of the most unoriginal, tasteless films you will watch. That you might as well make a drinking game out of it, in fact The Watch is one of the worst films of the year.

Stiller plays Evan, an manager at a local Costco in Glenview, Ohio. He’s the perfect citizen in the community. I know because we are introduced to him in a bland, tired way. Then one night, a security guard is killed by an something…out there. However, Evan believes it’s up to him to catch the killer and starts the Neighborhood Watch! Ok, it’s not as epic as they must’ve thought. Unfortunately, only three people volunteer. Vince Vaughn (where you been?) plays Bob, a lout that likes to spy on his daughter’s Facebook, do his fast talking delivery of his lines, but only rarely did I chuckle. Franklin played by Jonah Hill who is once again doing his living with my mother, overly aggressive self and British comedian Richard Ayodade who gets most of the few laughs. When I mean few, I mean like 3-4 times. Ironically, this was suppose to be called Neighborhood Watch but prior to the Trayvon Martin shooting. They changed the title or better idea should have been to shelve it.

Did you know that it was actually about an alien invasion? Yeah, me neither. It rarely touches on its main subject. Instead we find out that Evan can’t have kids and doesn’t know how to tell his wife. Omg! Really? Bob being overprotective towards his daughter and even stalking his boyfriend who is a bit too cocky for his own good or is he something more? Yes, he becomes part of the story, I don’t know why, because that was one hell of a stupid twist.

Also, this movie was JUMBLED! I emphasize the word because it didn’t know what the hell it wanted to be. Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Is it an action movie? Is it science fiction? I had no idea. Also, every time I laugh, the movie got worse. I was scared to laugh for the rest of the time. The unoriginality would have made Adam Sandler blush. I was dealt with a 100 minute film packed with a “joke” a minute involving gentalia, masturbation, and even sexual release. Wow. The supporting characters were also paper thin. I have something I have been wanting to say to Will Forte. You are not…FUNNY. Forte plays a small town cop and I seriously don’t understand why people think he is funny. Just because he was on Saturday Night Live doesn’t mean your funny especially nowadays.

Here’s the difference between Ted and the Watch. Yes, they are both crude. Though, Ted knows what their goal is. The Watch has no clue what the hell it wants to be. They are all in paycheck mode, the side stories are lame, the alien invasion is nothing but window draping, the unnecessary crude script by Seth Rogan, Evan Goldberg, and Jared Stern is horribly jaw dropping. I believe now that Rogan should stop writing now and the direction by Akiva Scheffer was flat Stick to the Lonely Island, please. There is a funny cameo appearance by a great actor but for his sake, I’ll leave him out of this. If you want a comedy that is smart, crude, sentimental and hilarious. Go see Ted.

The Watch is the worst movie of the year so far…I hate to do this.

I give The Watch an F

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I’m Jake Turner, reminding you to spend your money wisely at the theater.

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Savages: God bless Oliver Stone!


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In today’s reboot world of Hollywood. It’s always good to see a legendary filmmaker continue to crank out originality and controversy. Oliver Stone.

Lately, Stone has been tapping into his soft side with 2004’s World Trade Center,  2009’s W: the unauthorized George W. Bush story and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.

Now he’s taking on the New York Times best seller, Don Winslow’s Savages. Winslow also co-writes with Stone on the screenplay. When Stone writes, it’s full of wit, facts, and originality. Savages is no different. In fact, it’s one of the best of the year.

Welcome to Laguna Beach. Where the women are beautiful, the sun is always shining, and the waves always crashing against the hot sandy beaches and…where you can find the best marijuana in America. That’s right. Aaron Johnson plays Ben, a buddhist/idealist that seems like the brains of the operation wheeling and dealing business deals left and right. Taylor Kitsch plays Chon, an ex-Navy SEAL/entrepreneur who takes care of the brawny side. You double cross this business, you’re going to pay in bruises and eventually deliver the green. They have it all. A house right off the beach, BMW’s, convertibles, million dollar bank accounts and a relationship with a rich blonde named Ophelia but is known only as “O” to the guys. It’s a love triangle that only lives in a man’s dreams and for good reason too. Stone shows the physical and emotional sides of love in a rather candid and realistic fashion.

Chon and Ben have grown tired and are ready to retire but the Mexican Baja Drug Cartel has different ideas as they want the two entrepreneurs to continue making the herb for another three years. Ben “gracefully” says no and Chon says two words that become engraved in the leader of the drug cartel, Elena played by a scenery chewing Salma Hayek. Hayek takes Elena, brings depth and verbal brutality brought with grace. You’ll have to see it to believe it. Elena knows that their most important asset must be O. Gives the order to capture her to her right hand man, Lado played with a balance of suave sickness and brutal ferocity physically by Benacio Del Toro. Every time Del Toro is on the screen, you’re hooked and don’t want to miss a second because of his unpredictability. Also, Chon and Ben have an unscruplous friend on the inside. Dennis, a dirty DEA agent that keeps the two businessmen off the radar. Played by a thinly haired scene-stealing John Travolta who gained 25 lbs for the role. Finally, I want to give props to Kitsch for his best performance since Friday Night Lights. Bringing fierceness, aggression and a surprising sentimentality towards O and Johnson, shocking the audience in the last quarter of the film with his 180 degree flip on his character.
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Stone taps back into his down and dirty side that is reminiscent of Natural Born Killers. The screenplay is witty, funny, and shocks you with a twist that satirizes today’s Hollywood and Winslow’s ending stays in as well. Dynamic action sequences, sizzling sex scenes and uniformly excellent performances across the board make this one of the best of 2012.

Savages gets an A!

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I’m Jake Turner, reminding you to spend your money wisely at the cinema.

Ted: Wahlberg, MacFarlane make Ted an instant classic!


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Whoever thought that a story about a man and his Teddy bear would make me think this was the best comedy of the year. In fact, Ted is the best comedy I have seen in 5 years!

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane bring his hilarious but twisted mind to the big screen debut. Taking the cliche of a boy and his best friend but fast forwarding it to where the boy is a man and the Teddy bear is a pot smoking, foul mouthed, drinking and sexually active Teddy bear with a heart of gold. The best thing about Ted is whom is involved play the material straight faced.

Mark Wahlberg plays John Bennett, an lazy, pot smoking 35-ish man working a dead end job but has a beautiful girlfriend, Lori. She’s played by the gorgeously but fiery Mila Kunis. You know the independent guy dream girl. How John and Lori meet is amusingly funny but quite sweet too. However, the twist is Ted, his best friend and Teddy bear is living with John. That’s not cool with Lori who wants Ted to move out. Guys, we have all been there before. Trying to move on is a hard thing sometimes especially if it involves your best friend. MacFarlane lends his voice as Ted, who sounds like an boston-accented Peter Griffin. Wahlberg and MacFarlane make a great team making my sides split with…the Thunder song.

The best thing is how simplistic it is with its story. Ted is treated like a real person with feelings in the public’s eye. He can even fall in love as he does hilariously at his supermarket job, he can fight, he can run. The special effects are realistic. Here’s where it gets twisted, there is a over exuberent father, Donny. Giovanni Ribisi was darkly funny as this creeper that will stop at nothing to get that bear. He wants to make his overweight, spoiled son happy. Aww how sociopathic of you. We also great comedic insight into how far Ted and John’s friendship truly is and how much they need each other in their lives.

Ted is written, produced and directed by MacFarlane and his Family Guy collaborators. Including Walter Murphy doing the music and Professor X himself, Patrick Stewart hilariously narrating. He shows his gifted persona through sharp writing, nostalgic pop culture cameos including his fascination with Flash Gordon which will have you rolling in your seat with laughter. By the way, Family Guy fans. Let’s see if you can spot all the voices from the show and a surprise cameo that just by his silence is a gutbuster. I haven’t felt about a comedy like this since Wedding Crashers in 2005. Comedy is a lost art in Hollywood, but sometime in a blue moon. An original comedy with memorable lines and great balance come out and becomes a blockbuster.

Ted is one of the best films of the year.

Ted gets an A- image

Battleship: I thought games were fun? Not


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Battleship

I have two questions for Universal Pictures. One, how did you get Peter Berg to do this? Two, why take on a board game?

Both questions were left unanswered after watching the loud, mind numbing and incompetently written Battleship. Now I understand, that is based on a board game and the writing won’t be the strongest. However, you have to give us characters that I can care about. Let alone, the acting be at least tolerable.

Friday Night Lights’ alum Taylor Kitsch plays Alex Hopper, a bad boy who knows he’s a bad boy. Why? He breaks into a gas station at 2am for a chicken burrito for Samantha Shane, a strong willed woman he met in the bar. Hang on to your seats, we’re only 5 min in and it was the beginning of every action movie cliche ever made. He’s arrested but at the same time Samantha is flattered. She’s played by Brooklyn Decker, whose range goes as far as an facial tick. His brother, Stone (played briefly by Alexander Skarsgaard) is fed up and forces Riggins, oops I meant Hopper into the United States Navy. Fast forward to graduation and Samantha is Hopper’s fiance and he just made lieutenent. Ugh, talk about thin characters. I know it feels like dissection. At least if you’re going to make them thin, then at least make them likable. Strike one. The Navy is right now in the midst of the Naval Games. But! Who cares about plot? Suddenly! Without explanation, alien battleships burst out of the water and it’s time to play Battleship, the alien edition. By the time, that happens I just didn’t care anymore.

Instead of trying to find out reason why. The Navy attacks them with everything they got and that pisses off the aliens who blast away with steal balls of destruction blowing up many of the ships. I was waiting for someone to say, ” Sir, they sunk our battleship.” Then return it with ” You SUNK my battleship!” Sadly, I didn’t hear it. With a main character killed off (bye, Stone), Hopper is now in charge of the ship and I didn’t buy his sudden leadership for one second. Kitsch looks like he’s playing Tim Riggins still from SNL. Brooding, staring lifelessly in the camera. I know he has presence but come on! We also get pop/R&B singer Rihanna as Petty Officer Cole. For an actor, she’s one hell of a singer. In paycheck mode, Liam Neeson briefly appears as Admiral Shane. Wait. Samantha’s last name is Shane. I’m shocked.

With CGI-laced action sequences that are at times exciting, at times cartoonish, unlikable and bland characters, glacier pacing and an ending that would make audiences shake their head in disbelief. Sorry, that is not how I want to see the Greatest Generation go out. That’s all I’m going to say.

Watching this cartoon makes me shudder for Candy Land: the movie.

Battleship gets a D+ and it’s one of the worst films of 2012.

I’m Jake Turner, reminding you to spend your money wisely as you head to the theaters.

JT’s Dollar DVD’s


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Man on a Ledge, This Means War, and Safe House

Sometimes moviegoers don’t have time to head to the theater but that’s what makes the Redbox so convenient.

Head to the Redbox with me for JT’s Dollar DVD’s
It feels like picking random numbers in a hat. Let’s see what we got.

Let’s start off with one of the best films of 2012 so far.
Denzel Washington has been one of the most bankable stars in the last 15 years and his winning streak continues with the action thriller Safe House. Washington plays Tobin Frost, a CIA renegade that is arrested in South Africa after a black market deal goes awry and taken to the nearest safe house where rookie operative Matt Weston is the “Landlord” where special forces operations can happen such as an intense interrogation scene that have you gripping your scene. Mercenaries attack the safe house and Weston and Frost is on the run from ruthless mercenaries. However, Frost is one complex character as you never know what this guy will do to escape out of Weston’s custody. Reynolds and Washington play off each other with skill. We also get some good performances out of Brendan Gleeson, as Weston’s mentor and Vera Farmiga bringing in depth intensity to her potentially one note character. The action sequences are Bourne-esque and will leave you breathless. Director Daniel Espinosa keeps moving at a fast moving clip and his cinematography would make Tony Scott blush. Creating a good balance of gritty action and thought provoking dialogue. Safe House is a safe bet and it’s one of the best of the year.

SAFE HOUSE: GRADE A-

Chris Pine, Tom Hardy, Reese Witherspoon, and McG. Wait, McG? How did this man get this solid cast to sign for such a watchable disaster such as This Means War. Watching this made me think of films like Tango and Cash, 3000 Miles to Graceland. Where the cast and crew know that this is potentially bad material so the only way to make it watchable is to go with the flow. In only a parallel world would you see Witherspoon single and having issues trying to land a guy. She plays Lauren, a top ranked marketer that is put on a dating site by her obnoxious sister played by Chelsea Handler. Make this quick. She’s funny but her acting was lost in translation. On the other side, Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are introduced to us as the two BEST agents in the CIA. Where have we heard this before? In every cliche action film of the last five years. Hardy plays Tuck, the suave but kind hearted agent while Pine stays in his comfort zone as the suave but cocky FDR. Lauren and Tuck meet up on a blind date and hit it off by going out on a Cirque de soleil date. Yeah, that’s realistic. Sat in the theater trying to hold back my laughter over this nonsense. Not only that, FDR and Lauren start dating after he doesn’t take no for an answer. Guess what? They are dating the same woman. (Gasps) Good lord, it’s like they took every spy thriller and romantic comedy , threw it in a blender and hit frapee. It doesn’t work especially the sparse action sequences that were without a pulse. Hey, McG! It’s called excitement, learn the word. With a lame script, flatlined action sequences and a ending that had me bursting out with laughter. This Means War is one of the worst movies of the year but it’s also the best worst movie I’ve seen.

THIS MEANS WAR: Grade C-

I wish it got better than This Means War. Unfortunately, I had the “pleasure” of sitting through the comedy of the year. Man on a Ledge. Funny thing is that it was actually a super serious thriller starring Sam Worthington. Worthington channeling Keanu Reeves plays Nick, an ex-cop that is on a ledge contemplating ending his life by standing out on a ledge. However, there is more than meets the eye or should I say ear. Just witness the idiocy of these characters. How does a movie this laughingly bad get Elizabeth Banks, Ed Harris and Jamie Bell to sign on? Banks plays the good hearted cop that believes she can talk Nick down. At the same time this media-induced fiasco is happening. Nick is talking to his brother during a heist. That’s right, a heist! It turns out his brother (played by Bell) is a crackerjack at breaking into safes. Who would have thought it? We also get a beautiful woman who turns out to be his brother’s girlfriend who can get into super skimpy suits and break in. She’s played by Genesis Rodriguez, must have graduated from the Megan Fox School of Acting. All looks, no range. Harris is wasted as a slimy businessman that has no idea that he’s being robbed. Don’t you have cameras to th safe? When the twists and turns come into play. You can’t help but laughing your ass off at the lunacy put on screen. Did you know Nick could jump to other ledges and climb walls like Spider-Man? Yeah, me neither. Worthington gives a razzie performance, the cast looks confused and once again, I get another ending that made me laugh myself to tears. This had the suspense of an episode of Diagnosis Murder. What a terrible film.

MAN ON A LEDGE: Grade D-

OMG! The 10 Worst Films of the Decade.


Live from under an overpass in Hollywood. It’s time to spread the ashes of some of the embarrassments that Hollywood shamelessly marketed and broke the record for walkouts across theaters.

The Top 10 Worst Films of the Decade, one from each year. Comment on the bottom if you want to be heard.